Tuesday, April 08, 2008

What are they thinking?

What are the people who make bathing suits thinking??? I went out to run some errands last week and decided, in a moment of what can only be called sheer stupidity, to try on bathing suits.
rule #1 Do not try on bathing suits when your skin has not seen the light of day for more than six months. (tan fat is always better than pale fat.)
rule#2 If the girl wearing the swimsuit on the tag does not look skinny, neither will you. I mean really, she is a model and it ain't doing nothing for her...
rule#3 Never eat before you try swimsuits... an empty stomach is a smaller stomach... well, relatively speaking.
rule#4 Start working out 6 months before going through the try on process, not six days. Results from aforementioned workouts may be felt in your gluts, but they are not seen...
So you see... I erred greatly by violating all of the above rules. But in my defense, I started to think...
Why can I not have a bathing suit that offers as much support as a bra? Support is an issue and that is all I have to say about that.
Up next are issues with coverage... why would I want a bathing suit to show LESS than my bra? I mean some of the tankinis were cut so low I was showing belly button cleavage. Ridiculous.
Next, why would you make a top that cuts in so low under the armpit??? I had one suit I loved, well okay, love is too strong a word, I liked it, meaning I didn't take it off in a flurry of fear and shock that the image I saw was me. So, the suit I liked, until I realized it was cut so low under the arm area as if you need to display the rib cage...or where the rib cage is hidden under the layer of Alden Jiggle.
Then there was the whole issue of patterns...
Wow... I know I have been out of the style loop, but really? Are bright lime green jungle prints really necessary? I looked the Eve gone wild with the fig leaves.
Color blocking... that was like dividing up your unflattering body areas... "see the yellow block, that is my spare tire, the blue highlights the lack of toned arm muscle, the green clearly emphasizes the abs that are no more..." Color blocking Bad.
Then there is the whole "Teeny tiny called a tanikini but really a shred of cloth with a jewel in the middle of the chest, hussy looking suit pattern" I opted out of that one too.
So Adrienne, be prepared... I was not joking when I said I am going to commission you to make me a suit... :)
Here are some things I have made in the world of scrapiness... (click on the image to enlarge)
This is Alden and his duck...had to do a LO of it. Thanks again Nicole!

One of Lincoln for a contest over at Memorable Seasons. The colors scanned all schmanky. (***NEW WORDAGE ALERT! Schmanky, as in screwy, weird, not normal.)
And here are a few from the This is You challenge... Topic: If _____ made the menu:"

Oh, and I have a new e-Zine topic just for you Vee... Behavior Modification in Five Easy Steps... How not to eat yourself into a carb stupor. ROFLOL...


  1. You are a mess! LOL great LO's as always...my emails to you always bounce back :-(

  2. Okay Jude, you look great, and I am sure that those bathing suits made you look nothing short of modelesque. So....did you pick one?

  3. you make me laugh girl!!! first the bathing suit well i have jiggle to explain away so i am not even going there but i have been working on the jiggle for about 2 months now hopefully jiggle will be gone in no time and i love those lo's

  4. Anonymous9:51 PM

    laughing sooooooooo hard right now!!! i hate bathing suits...haven't worn one since i was a teen and thought i was the next siwm suit model with a figure skating body to back up that thought....laughing even harder now!!! but let me tell you....bathing suits do not do justice to my body these days...so nope!! hate them, don't wear them!!!

    love your alden and ducky LO...super cute and i love the paint!!!!

  5. Swimsuits? I'm not even going there this summer. The first month it's warm enough here to swim, I'll be in my 9th month of pregnancy, and then after the baby arrives..well..let's see... do they make swimsuits for the lactating mom with waterproof pads? ROFL! Your posts always make me smile!

  6. lol, you are a mess girl!!! i hate bathing suit shopping!!! urgh,love love your layouts, esp. the one with the paint!! :)

  7. Oh my...I am so glad that I am pregnant this summer. No matter what I wear, I will still look like a chick with a basketball in her stomach.

    I'll just swim in a tshirt and shorts and be done with it.


  8. you so make me laugh. btw...I am definitely following the rules this year...so I haven't been yet. hehehehehe

  9. this is so funny jude!!
    and I can totally relate - I haven't had a swimsuit since I was pregnant with Jack and Lauren - and decided maybe this year I could get away with it....but after three kids I've come to the conclusion that it's just not going to happen - and decided to pick up a moo-moo and live it that this entire summer :)
    also love the layouts!! love the one of Lincoln with photos of him at different ages so cute!
    also had to giggle at Alden's milk, milk, milk....

  10. hehe that was funny. Had to delurk for that! I'm sure you looked great.

  11. I hate buying bathing suits too! My mom found me one with a bra built right in (like a sturdy underwire one) it's good. I hope it never ever wears out!

    Loving your layouts Jude! Hope you are having a wonderful day!

  12. I have to buy one and now I'm freaking out! I had my mind right until I read this, now it's going to take a lot of exercise and a couple weeks of working my self esteem to go do it. LOL.

  13. ha ha! Tan fat ALWAYS looks better than white fat! I've been working on my fat tan all weekend! :) I'm in serious denial about my muffin top though. Bathing suit season is NOT looking good right now.
    Love the LO's...especiall the one of Lincoln with the little photo strip..that's cute! :)

  14. oh puhleez. i'm about to be wearing the equivalent of bloomers and a tank top (think 1920s)...but i did just guffaw at the color block breakdown, so true.
    the layouts are fab. i love the kid menu ones :)

  15. Jude, you are too funny. But I must say, I am SO feeling you on the bathing suit issues. I'm seriously thinking about looking for one of the swimsuits they wore BEFORE I was a glimmer in my dad's eye. You know, the long bloomers, with the long sleeved ruffle shirt...AND a little bonnet?? Yeah, I'm ALL OVER that!!! :-)