What are they thinking?

What are the people who make bathing suits thinking??? I went out to run some errands last week and decided, in a moment of what can only be called sheer stupidity, to try on bathing suits.

rule #1 Do not try on bathing suits when your skin has not seen the light of day for more than six months. (tan fat is always better than pale fat.)

rule#2 If the girl wearing the swimsuit on the tag does not look skinny, neither will you. I mean really, she is a model and it ain't doing nothing for her...

rule#3 Never eat before you try swimsuits... an empty stomach is a smaller stomach... well, relatively speaking.

rule#4 Start working out 6 months before going through the try on process, not six days. Results from aforementioned workouts may be felt in your gluts, but they are not seen...

So you see... I erred greatly by violating all of the above rules. But in my defense, I started to think...

WHY????

Why can I not have a bathing suit that offers as much support as a bra? Support is an issue and that is all I have to say about that.

Up next are issues with coverage... why would I want a bathing suit to show LESS than my bra? I mean some of the tankinis were cut so low I was showing belly button cleavage. Ridiculous.

Next, why would you make a top that cuts in so low under the armpit??? I had one suit I loved, well okay, love is too strong a word, I liked it, meaning I didn't take it off in a flurry of fear and shock that the image I saw was me. So, the suit I liked, until I realized it was cut so low under the arm area as if you need to display the rib cage...or where the rib cage is hidden under the layer of Alden Jiggle.

Then there was the whole issue of patterns...

Wow... I know I have been out of the style loop, but really? Are bright lime green jungle prints really necessary? I looked the Eve gone wild with the fig leaves.

Color blocking... that was like dividing up your unflattering body areas... "see the yellow block, that is my spare tire, the blue highlights the lack of toned arm muscle, the green clearly emphasizes the abs that are no more..." Color blocking Bad.

Then there is the whole "Teeny tiny called a tanikini but really a shred of cloth with a jewel in the middle of the chest, hussy looking suit pattern" I opted out of that one too.

So Adrienne, be prepared... I was not joking when I said I am going to commission you to make me a suit... :)

Here are some things I have made in the world of scrapiness... (click on the image to enlarge)

This is Alden and his duck...had to do a LO of it. Thanks again Nicole!

One of Lincoln for a contest over at Memorable Seasons. The colors scanned all schmanky. (***NEW WORDAGE ALERT! Schmanky, as in screwy, weird, not normal.)

And here are a few from the This is You challenge... Topic: If _____ made the menu:"

Oh, and I have a new e-Zine topic just for you Vee... Behavior Modification in Five Easy Steps... How not to eat yourself into a carb stupor. ROFLOL...