Thursday, February 04, 2010

Coming soon to TVs everywhere!

I have a pitch to make. The pitch is to TLC. I figure, that since Jon and Kate are done being the crazy couple on TV, another happily wedded couple should get a chance... someone like, oh ... I don't know...

Haha! Yes, I said it! (well, typed it actually.) I think you can never have enough reality TV documenting the dysfunctional American family and causing children long term damage. Really and truly, it is a sacrifice I am willing to make... for my kids. AND... if I happen to get free plastic surgery, free hair extensions, free trips all over the world, and a million dollar house out of it? Well... that is what I am willing to go through so that my kids can think a camera man is part of our family, and so the world can follow me on trips to buy shoes and diapers whilst I give a moment by moment commentary on why I buy huggies instead of pampers.

Here is the name of our show. Are you ready? Drumroll please.... (um, I am not actually sure how one would blog a drumroll, so work with me here.)

"Micah and the Grouch, plus 3 Boys, on a Couch."

Catchy eh? I can see the opening montage... it can be all the worst moments of my mothering and wifery. Bad moods, bad hair, wenchiness like you have never seen... all captured on film. Forever. It will be grand, and I will be so happy regardless, because my smile, it never fades thanks to the free lifetime supply of botox from an advertising sponsor! WooHoo!

I am hoping the cameras can also catch the following:

*Me blowing off a piece of food that has fallen on the floor and giving it back to the kids.

*Micah's morning hair.

*Our luxurious day trips... to the grocery store.

*Flossing. I have always wanted to floss on camera. I bet my dentist would give me a discount too.

*Smelling clothes to see if they are clean, hence wearable.

*Me screaming, "That is it! no more TV for one week! If you do not play with some toys I will throw them all out!!!!" (um, not that this has ever ever happened, this would be a ah, um, producer's idea... yeah, that's it, producer's idea.)

You see?!?! We are CHOCK FULL of good TV moments just waiting to be filmed. Doing laundry, thawing chicken, catching snot in a tissue right before it hits the floor... Well, that snot one would be a cliff hanger-two episoder. Like when Fonzie jumped the sharks and you had to wait a whole week to see if he made it. I can hear living rooms across America now...

"Oh no! LOOK! Alden just sneezed! Is she going to see it?!?!"

"Yes, she does, but she is across the room! It is a double nostril snotter too!"

"She won't make it in time!"

"Oh no, I can't watch!!"

"Is she to the tissue box yet????????"

And then when it cuts away and the announcer voice says to stay tuned for the dramatic ending next week... "WHAT? We have to wait a week. I don't think we can live with this stress. Does she get the boogers or not? What if he is starting to get sick? Will the germs be unleashed?" Water cooler talk will never be the same. Never.

So, please, if TLC asks for viewers to vote, cast your vote for us...

"Micah, and the Grouch, plus 3 boys, on a couch."

Now here is some more scrapmadness.