Thursday, June 18, 2009

I love you pocket size Lysol...

I am not a fan of public restrooms. In fact, I find the very idea of a plastic oval where multiple people park their hind parts and empty their waste to be one of the most barbaric normalities of our time.
When we are on road trips, we have designated stops where we know the bathrooms are clean. I do still however carry a pocket size Lysol can for those very occasions. Oh yes, they make Lysol pocket size now. I think besides flat-irons, paper plates, and baseball caps it is quite possibly one of the best inventions of all time. (what? you were thinking electricity?) After we use public bathrooms I do not want my children climbing back in the car with shoes that have just trekked all over someone else's urine soaked, fake mopped by a $7 hour high school employee - floors. So yes, I make them sit on the edge of the car, spray their shoes down and then place them under the seat, giving the Lysol time to set in.

me plus
public bathrooms...
not so good.

On a recent trip to see two of my dearest college friends, I was awaiting my flight in the airport and realized... I needed to tinkle. When I am traveling alone I get all estrogen happy and no longer pee... I tinkle. It is so very girly... peeing sans an audience will do that to you.

Well, it was my great delight to enter the bathroom and find...
The seats were still up and the smell of cheap pine cleaner was in the air!

Hallelujah! I picked a stall, and hovered happily.
If it is clean, why hover you say...
I will never, and I do mean NEVER place my cheekage on a public toilet seat, pine smell or not.

Now, since I had arrived way too early for my flight, I had to go AGAIN, before boarding. We all know, there is only one thing worse than public restrooms... and that is airplane toilets. They are a whole other level of demonic warfare. So... off I go, back to my clean stall. I get in, turn my bag around and lean it against the door. I have a broken suitcase wheel thingy... thank you Continental Airlines. So, my bag, it leans, and basically touches the floor. Well, I place it very carefully by the door turn around, and if you can picture Sissy Spacek's face in Carrie when the pig blood hit her... that was me. Only it was pee, and it was all over the floor, which meant, the part of my bag that has to lean down was... GASP!


Holy Crapola! I flew out of that bathroom so fast. I turned to look again, and all I could think was how... how in the world did one person, and a female at that, manage to get that much pee on the floor?

I was seriously contemplating buying a new bag in the airport, but realized, my fear of urine poisoning would not convince Micah that $150 was money well spent on a new carry on. So, I did what any other red-blooded- American- germaphobe would do. I broke out my pocket Lysol and sprayed that bag down. I also sprayed my shoes. I was not taking any risks here.

It was at this point I pledged my undying gratitude and love to the pocket size Lysol. It has been the best $2.99 I have ever spent. ($1.99 if you factor in the coupon.)

So, Pocket Lysol, this one, (wipes tear away) this one is for you...
And a new scrap page, using my DT Kit from Memorable Seasons...

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Dear _____ . Just for Jena and Jmac

So, two of my favorite people in the whole world said, "You should blog for a whole week again." I am agreeing to it. "Why?" , you ask, why bore the entire cyberworld AGAIN... Well, I think by posting these random embarrassments that are my life I am encouraging others to look at their own and go... "Well, at least I am not like that Jude chick..."
So here goes, but since day one of these seven is occurring again on a day full of migraines and a few hours of sleep I am going in list form. I had to laugh whilst reading the Pioneer Woman's Blog about how she tries not to mention physical ailments. Dang, is that proper blog etiquette? I blew that back in the days of the milk machine malfunctions and the first time I typed the word knockedupedness. Oh well...

Here goes... Dear _______,
Things that I want to address...

Dear Blogger, why do you mess up all my pretty and time consuming typing when I put a photo in a post? It is most annoying.

Dear Excedrin Migraine, I love you for taking away my hurting head. I hate you for keeping me up all night.

Dear Facebook, You are evil.

Dear Bejeweled Blitz, so are you.

Dear Fellow Soccer players, You now know I was not kidding when I said I was old and fat, at least I was kind enough to warn you. (more on this later in the week)

Dear Rain, I know you are good for the earth, but all your pressure changes, they are killing my head. I will say it... GO AWAY.

Dear Lawn, sorry you look so long and unkempt. I mean you are lush, yes, but in need of mowing. Blame it on the rain. (Oh yeah, busting out the milli vanilli... I have been waiting years to use this song in a pun like manner. Yes, I understand what this says about the excitement level in my life.)

Dear New Camera, I am sorry I manhandle you like a truck driver snacking on caviar and washing it down with a slurpee at the 7-11. I promise I will read my manual soon and learn what white balance is.

Dear Micah, soon you will have been married to me for 15 years... Your statue should be done soon, it is called "Patient Man". (I wanted "Patient Man With the Nice Arse, but they said Josh already got that one commissioned... hmmmm)

Dear Costco, you and your "veggie straws" are killing me. PS I know you are really just potato chips. Heaven help me if they ever come out with a salt n vinney veggie straw...

Dear Windstream, why does my home phone go dead every time it rains?

Dear Nose, please stop growing. I think you are bumping into my lips.

Dear Alden, please stop eating a pencil eraser whilst mommy types this.

Dear Eutychus, you are my most favorite Bible story.

Dear Jena and JMac, are you regretting asking for this?

Over and out from the Dear _____ world.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

I am married to a blind man...

Ok, he is not really blind, but my Micah, he has some very poor vision. I mean, cannot be fully corrected with glasses-may one day need a corneal transplant- bad vision. Now, he had contacts, but a while back, they started making him have these horrid sensitivity issues with light. We would be driving home at night from somewhere and he would wear sunglasses, or it would get really bad and he would have to pull over for me to drive.
Now, there is something you should know about this... Micah does not enjoy being a passenger whilst I drive. Oh, I am a good, no make that a GREAT driver, I think he just has flashbacks to when he taught me to drive. Yep, tis true, tis true... he taught me to drive. This means our marriage is pretty much guaranteed to withstand anything. I think he will never get over a few small incidents... minor things really...

I mean, I admit it. I did in fact ask, "Which is the gas pedal? The short fat one or the long skinny one?" but come on... it could happen to anyone! And I might as well admit it now before Cheryl and Kelli pipe in here and tell in the comments, that yes... technically I was pulled over the night of my wedding... apparently pulling out in front of a cop, not such a good thing. The other was an innocent mistake(s)... I have technically run over my friend Cheryl's foot in two separate incidents. One at the aforementioned wedding, and one other time when... well, honestly, if someone has run over your foot once, you really should move a bit quicker when exiting a vehicle.

So, now, now you understand how bad his eyes are to turn the wheel over to me.

Well, today, he is getting new contacts. And last night whilst we were cleaning up the kitchen, and giggling and such, he says,

"Hey, I may have 20/20 vision tomorrow!"

"All right!" I say all happy for my beloved. Then I say, "Aw crap, I don't know if I want you to see me in 20/20"

Folks, this might not end well for me.
He will see the wrinkles.
He will see the big nose.
He will see that those "curves" they are really more of a gently sloping plain... ok a fall off of deathly proportions at some points, but you get my meaning...

The song, "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" has take on new meaning for me...

I am going into full force extreme makeover because my husband has better vision now mode...
I am shaving, plucking, bleaching, and moisturizing like never before...
I will have to let you know how it all goes down...

OK, I am done here. This was technically a bonus day anyway.

How does your Garden grow?

Well, here we are...
Day Seven in Jude's Exciting Week... the dirt edition.

(green pepper plantdelicousicus)
I planted my garden. I got it in late (may 19th to be exact). I am normally a Mother's Day Weekend kind of planter, but not this year. So, my veggies are still a tad small, but they are coming along. I had to start the garden back about five feet from its normal spot due to the intense amount of grass that had overgrown it when I was not planting anything... the knockedupedness of 2007 and the sheer laziness of 2008 meant it had been a while since the garden was tilled. Well, I only own a little tiller, the kind made for girls. Yeah, I said it, and if you are some tractor riding female, all the power to ya'... Me? I own a chick tiller.

I had a job ahead of me too... a certain family member, who shall remain nameless, he thought that throwing grass clippings on my garden area was good compost. Um, no... grass reseeds itself. I am not saying there wouldn't have been any grass to till after my two year hiatus, but it would not have been as bad... bad as in, I broke my pitchfork trying to pry a clump out. Seriously, I think next time I need a repair of some sort, I am reaching for the grass seed, not the super glue. Grass is much hardier than we give it credit for, and bonus... there is a variety called "crab grass"... how totally appropriate for moi!
So, anyhoo, after much sweat and fatigue, the garden is tilled up and planted.

Here it is...

I feel all Green Acres-y just looking at it. We have tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, yellow squash, zucchini, green peppers, red peppers, and pickling cukes, Not that I am pickling any cucumbers. Ha! I planted pickling ones at the request of my friend Heather. When I told her we were planting cukes she asked if I did the little kind. "I can" I say. "You will???" she asks, as if I had just given her a gift. I sure like that girl, so little cukes she is a gettin' !
At the top is the five feet of jude-er, I mean, crab-grass, that will be covered with weed cloth and planted with watermelon this week.

Here are some more shots...

A little tomato bud... hello friend, soon I will make you into bruschetta.

Yellow squash, its death sentence will be a shish-ke-bob.

I am also happy to report that there were no children poisoned by small amphibians during the tilling of this garden. They were joyfully playing with a big silver washtub full of water, some cups and leaves. Yeah, they kept bringing over more and more of these leaves to put in the water and - wait... what does poison ivy look like again...???

crap, I am such a bad mother...

but i am a bad mother who will have fresh veggies...

Monday, June 01, 2009

Snap Back...

Last night I ventured out with some friends for an evening of dinner, a bit of shopping, and of course, lots of chatter. We are good at chatter. Ok, I am especially good at chatter. Too good really, and I try to remind myself to shuteth my big mouth...

My friend Chris and went early to dinner and shopped around in Anthropologie. Oh my... I wished I had brought my camera in... eye candy galore. I am fan of little bowls and pottery, and there was no shortage of either. I fell into a mad state of wantitits over a little blue and sage green polka-dot bowl. I was trying to convince myself that $12 was an acceptable price for such a bowl. I was not able to do so successfully. There was also an array of little colorful bowls bargain priced at $4 each. Now I am sure someone is going, $4 is not alot... BUT it is when I absolutely, fundamentally do not NEED a bowl. I moved away from the pottery especially since the little adorable measuring cups were screaming my name... they were also screaming $28-36 EACH, so I covered my ears and moved away from them.

The point... I left the store feeling a little, well... miffed. I wanted to be one of the ladies taking her overpriced -probably bought for a nickle from Portugal - so intensely marked up in price -bowls to the counter to purchase. I was not.
Then it hit me... as I was walking down the sidewalk, carrying my new camera, in its lovely new bag, and going to eat dinner with my friends in a nice restaurant...

The Snap Back Moment!


And I have been lately...
hurt feelings here, not getting to take a trip there, wanting to buy this or that, not being happy with things, etc.... whiney Jude has been in full mode the last few weeks.
Whiney Jude, she is not a pretty sight. Really rather unpleasant. Poor Micah. He has to put up with her. He needs a medal of some sort. I have to think that when he meets God in Heaven someday, the Lord will look at him and say, "You, you get a special jewel for your crown. It is the jewel just for dealing with that girl all those years. You are of hearty stock man. Well done. She was a real pill. I know... I was watching..."

Back to the snap back moment...
Maybe it is because I am currently reading a book about the Holocaust... and before that I read a book about child soldiers in Sierra-Leone, but really... I am so, and I do mean sooooooooo materially blessed. No, we may not have a large house, perfectly decorated, wearing the trendiest of clothes,etc...

but we have a home.
it is warm in the winter
and cool in the summer.
there is water, food and light.
no one enters it, takes away my possessions
and sends me off to a work camp where my
lovely (albeit fake) red hair is shaved off.
My kids are not taken from me, handed a gun and told it is now their mother.
I do not fear being shot at for going to the store.
Or being raped for being a female.

Think about it. Think about what is making you upset right now, and compare it to the harsh reality that others live in. And I dared to be miffed about not buying a silly bowl for $12???
El Stupido! Snap Back! I think if God were in the neon sign business, he would have flashed one just then that said, "Yep, you are a spoiled little thing. It is about time you got this for once and for all."
On that note, here is a link that a dear friend asked me to post here.
Go. Read. Look.

And then - Realize...
that no matter what disappointments there are, how people may hurt you, or what Anthroplogie may do to your wantitis levels, others are out there, really suffering, and that alone ought to snap you back to reality.
I know, I am typically a light reading kind of blogger, but really, in a seven day stretch like this, you had to expect at least one soapbox moment. And YES, I know... I did not blog yesterday... hello, it was Sunday, the Sabbath... I took a day of rest.
So there it is, Day Six in Jude's exciting week... the make you feel guilty because I felt guilty edition.