Designer Duds...

So, I am going to make a new line of clothes for myself...
This line will be somewhat like the sweats from Juicy Couture. You know the ones that say "Juicy Couture" across the backside. Only, mine will be a tad roomier in the buttockial region, and say,
Salt n' Vinney.

And anyone who is anyone will know that salt n' vinney means salt n' vinegar chips. I will also offer other specialized bum labels, including...
BBQ Buns
Guac Gluts
Venti Sized
Dorito Dimples
The sweat suits will come in many colors, but sizes will not be offered in anything below an eight, that would just be unacceptable. I may throw in a bag of free chips too, we'll see. Of course all of this is copyrighted already, so I can tell you about it without fear. The seamstresses are already sewing up a storm you know... fleece material and letters are flying around here like nobody's business. All the suits will be packed in some sweet chip scented paper too.... I know that touch was a sheer stroke of brillance.

Here are a couple of new LOS...
The first is for Unpubbed. We have a cool new challenge going on for our one year anniversary.

The next one was for a challenge from Susie over at Memorable Seasons. And I am officially warning you... I am now going to start pimping their on-line crop this weekend. Yep, there will be games, challenges, and most assuredly prizes and freebies. So, go check it out, it will be going on all weekend long. My challenge will be on Sunday... so GO!! LOL. Ok, therein ends the pimpage.

Linda bestowed the following on me...
She awarded me the Arte y Pico award. The idea of the award is to pass it on to 5 other bloggers whom you think are creative and contribute a lot to the blogging community.
"So I am passing this award on to you because I think your work is amazing." Man, thanks Linda. She said some way sweet things about me on her blog too, made me all blushy. :)


So I pass the torch of the award that I mispronounce to : Vee, Corey, Beth, Adrienne, and these two blog sites... Scrap Your Crap, and Crafty Storage.

The End.

A new diet plan...

Yes, I have a new plan to rid myself of the Alden jiggle. I will not eat as much simply because I cannot afford food. Seriously, have you all been to the grocery store lately?? I am in SHOCK over how expensive food is! I mean, since when is a jar of mayo $3.99??? (and that was "On Sale" !!)

And hello? Cereal? There was a box that $4.59!!

Here is the thing that really chaps my hide...

yes I said it... CHAPS MY HIDE...

All the food that is good for you is waaaayyy more expensive. Produce is outrageous, so I think the government should shut up about the obesity problem in America and fix the food issue. If the government really wanted us to eat healthy, they would stop granting permits to slap up Kentucky Fried Chicken on every street corner.

You know why they don't? Because for all the "eat healthy" programs they sponsor, deep down they know that every french fry gobbling teenager, every venti sized frappuccino guzzling business man, and every cigarette toking redneck, is BUYING these items and it keeps the money flowing. We are paying, yes, paying farmers NOT to grow vegetables... how for the love of all things fried does that make sense?

I mean, really... when a head of lettuce is $1.99 and a frozen pizza is $1.09 which one do you think a tired mom on a budget is going to get???

And really, I know it all goes back to a simple word... MODERATION! ( As in, Jude does not buy salt and vinegar chips because she cannot eat them in moderation...even though they are cheaper than broccoli!!!)

But who are we to tell someone not to eat that super sized meal, or discipline their child, or live within their means. You see, I think our food issues stem from our "everybody is right" philosophy of life. Guess what??? Everyone can't always be right!!

Yes, its true folks. But in a world where we don't want to correct a child's spelling test for fear it will crush their ego what do we expect? I guess I am a mean mom, because when Lincoln writes something and asks me if it is correct, I tell him.

"No honey you don't spell "person" pirsin.

Yes, call out DSS...

Newsflash... there are absolutes everyone.

And food is one of them.

The absolute truth is, if you eat too much crap you will get fat.

So ends the food rant...

Here is some scraptonement as an apology for being so rantty today... oh yeah, that is right... TWO new wordages in one sentence.

Scraptonement: to make amends by showing some scrapbook images, products, etc. not generally atonement worthy to the non-scrapping world.

rantty:the general tone of all my blog entries

Here is a LO I did of our dear friend who my boys LOVE!! Emerson started calling her Nayna and it just stuck. She is a super friend, photographer extraordinaire, and I love that the boys have this term of endearment for her. :) The white spot is simply where I blocked out her last name.

The other reason it is a favorite Lo is that it helped me earn a Design Team position at...

Jill is the owner of this new on-line store and I was really honored to win, because the talent pool that entered was amazing. Stay tuned for more on this, I just found out about getting the spot on Sunday!

Sigh...

It is already over...

I didn't blog about it because I was trying to put it into words...

They were here

They are gone

I am sad

Yes, Beth and Chrissy, and I got to meet up for lunch Thursday before they went to the Inspired Event. Chrissy's husband Sean was there too...

You know a friend is life long when her husband...

a. laughs at your sarcastic jabs from the word go

b. let his wife buy you MM mini alphas at the vendor fair

c. feeds your baby in the car whilst you are driving

d. treats you to lunch at Ruby Tuesdays

e.takes an unending number of photos with multiple cameras

So yeah, it was great. Chrissy and Sean are great, and I even took them on a slight tour of the area... everyone should see Frugal Macdougal right?? Who knew that the little airplane on the exit sign meant, YES, this is the airport exit, take it! In my defense, there used to be a sign wholly devoted to the fact that airport exit was the next one...

Plus, I knew to turn around when I saw the "Welcome to" and another state's name on the sign... not exactly what we were looking for.

So, we picked up Beth, holding a sign that said "Minnesota Ali". She didn't know I would be at the airport, so we really did surprise her.

Beth is everything I thought she would be...

Fun

Happy

Beautiful

Kind

Sweet

Thoughtful

Generous

and more...

The fat dog loved them all too.

I hated to leave after just a short lunch, and all weekend long I bemoaned the fact that my friends were still HERE and wishing I was with them. Now I will change the subject lest I get sniffly.

In other news of Jude...

This falls under the Things you never think you will say category...

Me: Lincoln you have your kindergarten graduation pictures this morning, be sure and smile NICE!!"

Lincoln: Ok, like this? (insert a cheeseball goofy faced grin)

Me: Um, no... just think of something funny when they tell you to smile, like... like...

Lincoln: Like Poopy??? (he is almost falling over with laughter at this point.)

Me: Um, no, let's try to think of something else."

Lincoln: But Mom, poop does make me laugh." (and there it is again, the perfect grin.)

Me: Ugh, okay, fine, when the photographer says smile, you THINK poopy, just don't say it."

Lincoln: Ok, I will just think it and smile.

So we even practiced, I would go "Say cheese" and he would think for a second and then bust out this perfect, genuine smile. The smile all moms hope to capture for photos...

And all it cost me was some pride and a little rule bending on the potty talk...

So, everyone smile big and say "Poopy"...and don't think you won't be remembering this next time you get a picture taken!! LOL.

Adios and some scraptivity*...

(*new wordage AGAIN! Man, I am writing a dictionary soon.)

What are they thinking?

What are the people who make bathing suits thinking??? I went out to run some errands last week and decided, in a moment of what can only be called sheer stupidity, to try on bathing suits.

rule #1 Do not try on bathing suits when your skin has not seen the light of day for more than six months. (tan fat is always better than pale fat.)

rule#2 If the girl wearing the swimsuit on the tag does not look skinny, neither will you. I mean really, she is a model and it ain't doing nothing for her...

rule#3 Never eat before you try swimsuits... an empty stomach is a smaller stomach... well, relatively speaking.

rule#4 Start working out 6 months before going through the try on process, not six days. Results from aforementioned workouts may be felt in your gluts, but they are not seen...

So you see... I erred greatly by violating all of the above rules. But in my defense, I started to think...

WHY????

Why can I not have a bathing suit that offers as much support as a bra? Support is an issue and that is all I have to say about that.

Up next are issues with coverage... why would I want a bathing suit to show LESS than my bra? I mean some of the tankinis were cut so low I was showing belly button cleavage. Ridiculous.

Next, why would you make a top that cuts in so low under the armpit??? I had one suit I loved, well okay, love is too strong a word, I liked it, meaning I didn't take it off in a flurry of fear and shock that the image I saw was me. So, the suit I liked, until I realized it was cut so low under the arm area as if you need to display the rib cage...or where the rib cage is hidden under the layer of Alden Jiggle.

Then there was the whole issue of patterns...

Wow... I know I have been out of the style loop, but really? Are bright lime green jungle prints really necessary? I looked the Eve gone wild with the fig leaves.

Color blocking... that was like dividing up your unflattering body areas... "see the yellow block, that is my spare tire, the blue highlights the lack of toned arm muscle, the green clearly emphasizes the abs that are no more..." Color blocking Bad.

Then there is the whole "Teeny tiny called a tanikini but really a shred of cloth with a jewel in the middle of the chest, hussy looking suit pattern" I opted out of that one too.

So Adrienne, be prepared... I was not joking when I said I am going to commission you to make me a suit... :)

Here are some things I have made in the world of scrapiness... (click on the image to enlarge)

This is Alden and his duck...had to do a LO of it. Thanks again Nicole!

One of Lincoln for a contest over at Memorable Seasons. The colors scanned all schmanky. (***NEW WORDAGE ALERT! Schmanky, as in screwy, weird, not normal.)

And here are a few from the This is You challenge... Topic: If _____ made the menu:"

Oh, and I have a new e-Zine topic just for you Vee... Behavior Modification in Five Easy Steps... How not to eat yourself into a carb stupor. ROFLOL...

Not for me...

So, this is the time of year when all good scrappers are awaiting the call.

What call you ask?

Why, the coveted "Hall of Fame" call from Creating Keepsakes magazine. (herein hall of fame will be referred to as HOF.)

I will not be awaiting said call.

Why? you inquire.

Well, simply put, I do not have the time, energy or cheery outlook I think the winners must possess. Um, there is also the whole "talent" thing too. I like my pages, but that doesn't mean everyone else does. I don't fool myself into thinking I am a scrapping maven. I am more of a scrapping wench really.

Not to mention I submitted something once for a mass open call and when it was not picked it left me thinking... What was wrong with my page?

I am a woman in the year 2008, I do not need any other sources of self esteem angst, hence I no longer try.

Not determined enough, you say.

Well, okay, true enough.

The real truth is I will never be HOF because this is what my BIO would read like...

Name: Jude

Occupation: extremely underpaid abode development planner

Hobbies: Right. Hobbies. Does blogging count as a hobby?

Interests: Well, I am currently interested in finding a bathing suit that hides unwanted cellulite.

Favorite Scrapping tool: Seriously?

Describe your scrapping style: Hmmm... in a word... Paperish. (yeah, that is a bit sarcastic. I am lucky if I remember style in my wardrobe, I so not going to worry about it with scrapping.)

Your approach to scrapping: Realistic. I love to scrap but I don't pretend to get it all done, or have perfect little memories to share. I scrap my real life not what I pretend it to be. I take horrible pictures so sometimes I get sick of editing them and give up for a while. Some nights I want to scrap but end up reading, or watching American Idol.(GASP!) No dedication, I know.

Other fun facts about you: I am a mean drunk. Just kidding. I am a cheery one. Ha! Gotcha again. Fun facts, fun facts, fun facts??? I am not a fun person I guess. Hmmm... maybe if I made rubber cement my favorite tool?

Favorite Quotes: " Behold, the mallet of understanding" (see previous posts involving the rat comic)

Acts 20:9 "And there was a young man named Eutychus who fell into a deep sleep as Paul was long in preaching. He sunk down with sleep and fell from the window, and was taken up as dead" See? And you thought the Bible wasn't funny... My man Eutychus fell asleep in a window cause Paul preached too long, and he fell out! It would not seem as funny had he remained dead, but Paul brought him back to life. I bet Paul felt bad for talking so long.

Describe you perfect day: My perfect day involves not having to wipe any tushies (save my own)

See? Not exactly what magazine editors are looking for. And that is okay. I am happy for all the people that win, I just wanted to say why I would never be one of them. I may have friends who win, and I am guessing that chances are they will not be asking me for help in writing their BIOS.

I just don't take filling them out seriously and can't resist the urge to answer them like a little smart aleck.(did i even spell aleck right? the "other" word for that is easier to spell isn't it???)

I would like to ask why we can't have some real to life articles in our mags from time to time. Not just scrapping ones either. I want to see

"How to make dinner when all you have is half frozen chicken and three soft carrots"

"Ten cool-down tips for when you can't get a moment's peace from your kids"

"7 new code words for poop to avoid public humiliation at the hands of your child."

and....

"How to use that butt-UGLY paper you thought was so cool two years ago."

or

"How to use up every stinking brad you own in one night!"

Sign up in the comments if you wish to subscribe to my upcoming e-Zine...

On a happy note... really, I am not making it up...

Here is a cute picture of the Fat Dog. He is playing with his duckie from Nicole. He loves it, and every time he gets it quacking by giving it a squeeze, I think of her. Well, I admit it Nicole, every time I go to Target I think of you too...

And here is my little fat dog getting his bath today. I know I am biased, but he is so cute! I was very proud of that water shot too... no editing even! Can I do a preemptive ISpy??? this is for I spy "wet" or "water"... LOL.

So, I had a birthday... yep, 27. (yes, again, shut-up) Micah surprised me with dinner out with Jen and her husband... even got a babysitter. Nice. Plus the card he got me was from the show "The Office"... he is good. No, make that great. Makes me feel bad for all the times I walk him through the actual time it takes to wash a dish. Yeah, I do it and count out loud just to prove it is less than a minute.

Jen even made me wedding cake frosting, and is making me a Baby book...that would be a baby book about me because she is sick of hearing me whine about not having one!) How sweet is she???

I got birthday phone calls and then tonight went out to eat with some friends who surprised me with bringing in balloons and cupcakes (more wedding cake frosting!!) and a gift card to our LSS. One of them even bought my meal.

I must say, it made me feel so loved to have people think of me... having friends like I have is amazing... even more amazing is that many of them know my faults and love me still. Dude.

And because I always like to close with some scrapiliciousness. (new wordage alert.)