Oh, that post...

I have been gone a while.
For good reason.
We have been through some hard personal times here at the casa.
I am betting some people who know me "in real life" are waiting for a blog of great detail on what happened...

Sorry to disappoint, but this is not that blog.
I cannot write that yet. I don't know that I ever will.
I couldn't post anything anywhere that was remotely thought provoking without being asked, "Was that about...". So I put up photos. Photos are pretty safe. But to write a whole blog post? After that May camping trip one, I sunk... and sunk low. So rather than BS everyone like I was with my cheery FB and Instagram photos, I left the blog alone. 

Because when you have your world turned upside down... it tears you apart.
When people believe lies about you and your spouse... it tears you apart.
When you lose your community, your church, and even some friends... it tears you apart.
When your children ask you tearfully, "Why?"... it tears you apart.
When you see others hurting... it tears you apart.

And I am not where I need to be with everything just yet.
I don't know when I will be.

I do know that I would have lost it completely if it wasn't for:
~ one amazing husband
~ three brave and tough little boys
~ grace filled family members
~ courageous friends
~ and the simple truth of God's word.

"A bruised reed He will not break,
and a faintly burning wick He will not quench;
He will faithfully bring forth justice."
~Isaiah 42:3

I don't want to neglect writing about my boys and their adventures though. In the midst of all this they have lost first teeth, finished elementary school, started playing football, said funny things, gone to yoga classes, and made great memories... and I cannot wallow so much that I forget to document these things.

"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day,
you will look back and realize,
 they were the big things."
~Robert Brault

Twinkle Lights, Popcorn, and Camping...

 So, if you remember this post  you remember we have become avid campers. However, we became such with borrowed equipment from a sweet friend. It was time to get our own. Borrowing from a camping guru like we did was great though... we knew exactly what we needed!
So, we scoured sales, thrift shops, and online sources and compared prices and tried to really keep it simple (read: not expensive) to go on our first camping trip of the year. We did it, and it was a smashing success if I do say so myself. Here are some highlights in my favorite blog form... the list.

1. Weather.com was not even close to right about the weather for the weekend. "Highs in the 70s" were no where to be seen, but hey, we DID see our breathe in the tent!

2. Wet Wood = lots of smokey fires. I felt so, um... robust smelling by the time we left.

3. When the rude college age kids in the next site over wake you up at 2am with their loud yapping, just roll over and let it go... and take solace in the fact that your kids will be up at the butt crack of dawn and you won't be shushing them. at.all. Glorious street justice :)

4. Popcorn made over the campfire may give your arm a cramp, but it tastes SO good. (this was one of the supply "splurges" that I used some of my birthday money on. SO worth it!)

5. Get the Ikea french press so your husband can have his coffee. Caffeinated spouses = happy spouses.

6. Two words. Twinkle Lights. ( we had many people stopping to look at these. they were SO festive. I plan on adding more for the next trip!)

7. The best part of camping? No internet or wireless. Ahhhhh... :)

8. Reading The Hardy Boys by the fire was almost so stinking picturesque, I wanted to pinch myself. I mean, here we were, reading, sipping hot chocolate, sitting by a fire, while the wind whipped through the air. If one of my kids hadn't farted and brought me back to reality, I might've thought I was dreaming.

9. If your husband doesn't smoke a pipe, I am sorry. Camping just isn't camping until that pipe tobacco scent is wafting through the air.

10. Oh, those twinkle lights? They light up the camp site a lot more than you realize... or maybe you do realize it as you tinkle in the woods before bed... the ever so twinkle lighted woods. Ooops.

The Day I Stopped Clicking

If you know me, you know I am a pretty consistent picture snapping Mama. Ok, maybe consistent is putting it mildly... maybe I am more like a...

click-crazy
obsessive
unstopping
never-without-a-camera-in-her-hand-Mama.

Here is proof, this is a book I recently got. (Which is super cute by the way.)

But recently, if you look into my computer files, you will see a sharp decrease in the number of photos I've been taking. It wasn't on purpose, but I thought more and more about the why, and the how, and the purpose behind all that clicking. Ok, and truth be told, my computer is almost out of memory. I have a reeeeaalllly hard time deleting photos off and trusting they are on the hard drive. What was I to do? Stop taking pictures? I am a firm believer in documenting life with photos, but was I really doing that?

As I began to be honest with myself I saw some issues with the constant clickage.

I had forgotten how to simply experience the memories I was trying so very hard to capture. 

I realized this when I was SO busy clicking away on a hiking trip, that when Micah asked what I thought of the view, I realized, if I didn't have the photo to look at, I would have no clue. I had only glimpsed it through my iPhone and my Canon view finder.  I was more concerned with filters and the proper shutter speed than actually seeing the view!

 I started to realize, I need to let my mind's eye have the first click sometimes.

I need to experience the moment more and stop worrying about having the perfect shot of the moment.
I know I want photos to show my kids as they get older, their spouses, and someday, hopefully my own grandchildren. But when I think back to what my Gramma shared with me about her life, I don't remember it because she had a shutterfly photo book, or showed me her instagram feed. I remember because her memories were so powerful, and she was able to share them in such detail, that you felt transported to that place where your mind makes its own images of what it all may have looked like. I have a perfect photo in my head of her first apartment in the US, and what arriving there was like after sailing into Ellis Island.  Oh, to be sure, I would love... LOVE a photo of some of these things, but her words and memories were powerful too, in their own way.

So, back to me and my chain-smoker-esque photo ways. What am I going to do differently? I have promised myself to...

Experience first. Photograph Second.
Live first. Snap Second.
Write the memory in my mind, and then say cheese. 

That next hiking trip... I can vividly describe to you the way the sky looked that day, the many shades of blues we saw. How a storm rolled in and the cloud front was like a dark curtain over the valley. I can show you a photo too, because I did take one... but not until I had lived the moment with each of my boys first, and that my friends is why those photos are special.

The memories and the documentation of life just got a little sweeter again...

We Heart Valentine's Day.

I love Valentine's Day.
I really do.
I didn't used to.
I hated the stress of it, the thinking of a perfect gift,
the overpriced cards, the going to the pricey romantic dinner out,
etc etc etc.
We decided oh, about 15 years ago, to
forgo the pricey meals and gifts... and I couldn't be happier!

Now we always do what we call a "Sweetheart's Dinner" to let 
our little knuckleheads know we love them lots too.
( and I don't want them to think Valentine's Day is only for two people
in love, but rather a time to tell/show others we care about them!)
The boys really look forward to this every year.
I stink in a lot of parenting areas, so I am glad I (try to) make up
for it a bit with this groovy dinner and the countdown before hand :)

We had our felt chair envelopes like last year, which we put little gifts and coupons in each day,
 but this year we added in these sweet mailboxes.
I found them in the Target dollar spot, and put our names on each.
The boys LOVED getting our notes to them, and they even got in
on writing notes to each other too. (I adored them writing these to each other more than anything!)

I decorated with an aqua and red bunting banner.
I wanted it to be fabric.
I had paper already though, and paper,
I know how to handle paper.

Here it is:
Alden was my confidence booster as always, ooohing and ahhhing over it.

On the 14th we added this lights and twig display. It looked much cooler in person. (I think.)
Maybe I just enjoyed using a hacksaw in my Valentine's preparations...

Then there was the cake... oh my heart. I saw this idea on this BLOG The author is SUPER and she even wrote me back right away to help me with some questions I had about her recipe. It is a chocolate chip cookie dough cake. If you go look at the original, she made her cake from scratch. Um... no thanks. I am too scared lazy. I used a box. (she said that was ok. see? I told you she was super.) You make the cake, you make some chocolate chip cookies. You save some dough, and roll them into little balls. (we threw raw egg caution to the wind and used the same dough. Everyone is still alive.) Then you pack the dough balls and some frosting into the middle, frost the outside, smoosh (professional chef term) the cookies around the edge and BAM... Your kids and husband will think you are amazing. (and PS I did make my own frosting, and if I can do it, you can do it too.)  So, go... go make this cake for them soon. 

Everyone also got a little place setting with some cute little gifts, and the boys all had steak (YUCK.) I feasted on asparagus and brussel sprouts.

All in all, the evening was a huge success, and the highlight for me was this...
My three little men had each written Micah and I the SWEETEST Valentine Cards.
I love that.
and them...

I missed the birds...

I failed this morning.
Lest you think the title is related to
my using the "bird", it is not.
(though as a youngster I was constantly flipping off other
drivers in defense of my mom... this was unbeknownst to her. She could never figure out
all those blowing horns or nasty glares. Hey, if you drive so bad an 8 year old
has to shoot you the bird, you are the problem.)

Back to this morning.
The boys went out to wait for the bus.
Em calls in "Mom, come look, there's BIRDS!"

I sighed.
I was reading an article on xanthun gum.
What is xanthun gum, and why is it in our food?

I looked at Micah, who is only home at bus time on Fridays,
and said, "Can you go look at the birds?" It was definitely said with
an air of  "I get to 'go look' at everything, every morning, when you are not
here. Your turn." I didn't say that, but that was the spirit of my keeping my arse firmly
planted in front of the computer.

I am reading about food additives, I justified.
To make THEM healthier.

Micah, who knew not my inner mommy debate, came back in and said, "You should've
seen him. Emerson was out there watching those birds with a sketch pad in his hand,
 drawing them as fast as he could. It was awesome."

I grabbed my camera, eager to capture the moment.
"Oh, sorry bud, he is already done."

Done?
Already?
So whilst I read an article, that will be available online forever, or until the internet blows
up from too many photos of Kim Kardashian's backside, I missed it.

I MISSED IT.

I missed watching Emerson in a moment where he was
showing us a glimpse of himself, one of his passions.
For an article on xanthun gum.

Mamas, don't miss the birds.