To tweet or not to tweet...

So , last week, I am sitting in church. I hear my phone make its little ringy alert noise that lets me know I have a text. Um... who is texting me? While I am in church? It is from my husband's dear dear friend, JD. (guys do not refer to themselves as anything other than friend. I am guessing neither will be fond of my use of the term "dear" in double time. Let me put it this way... JD was the best man at our wedding, he was with us on our first date, and technically, we at one point in our married life, lived with him. That should make the use of labels a mute point from here on out.)

So, my text was from JD. JD is a pastor, so I am little shocked that he is texting me whilst preaching...

the text reads "behind u".

Huh?

Sure enough, I turn around and there are JD and his wife Veronica. Veronica is one of my favorite people. We don't get to see each other very often, but I love that when we get to, it is like seeing a friend you hang out with all the time. Now Veronica, (aka Vee) is also about 37 weeks pregnant. She is all Heidi Klumesque in her preggo state, but that is not the point of this tale...

We were chatting about baby names, delivery, etc. and the faux paus of texting in church. (which JD will argue that I should have had my phone on mute... yeah yeah yeah... )She tells me she has forbidden JD from tweeting the birth of their upcoming child. So, in order to help Vee out, I am giving JD some guidelines for acceptable and not so acceptable tweets for the man child's arrival.

OK tweets:

* "we are at the hospital. i am excited about the food already"

* "my wife makes even hospital blue look good"

* "micah is my hero"

* "contractions are things like isn't, and can't... my wife laughs at these birthing "contractions"

* "I am the forever servant of my amazing wife after what she and her body are about to go through."

* "I love to give back rubs!"

I also think it is safe to tweet anything related to helpful hospital staff, the good parking spot you snagged, or how thankful you are for your wife. All ok...

UNacceptable tweets:

* "8 cm and 75% effaced"

* "Wow, who knew toes could swell?"

* "I think cankles are sexy"

* "I think 'we' should do this drug free" (note the unacceptable part here is the reference to "we".)

* "push"

* "Hmmm... episiotomy or not? Advice?"

* "Dang, when is it my turn for a back rub here?"

* "honey how are those ice chips? My prime rib is a little tough, bummer"
* "this is taking forever"

Also note anything to with the words cervix, crowning, stirrups, camel through the eye of a needle, etc are also out.

Hopefully JD will keep this list handy and remember, some events need not be tweeted in their entirety. Oh, and FYI the most acceptable tweet would be "baby Jude has arrived." I mean, it is a gender neutral name you know... and biblical... and I am just sayin'... ;)