When I Grow Up I want to be a Professional Vacationer.
I know that sounds lazy, and unproductive. I am ok with that, since I know it won't ever really happen. Plus, if you are a professional vacationer, I imagine you would eventually get bored with it. "Ugh, another day at the beach... tanning, swimming and sleeping in the sun. Hmpf." It is akin to the baker who gets sick of cake, or the carpenter whose own home needs repairs, etc.
I mean, I would still love to give it a try and all... just to see how bored with it I could get. :)
We went as a family to the beach last week. Just me and my boys. It was heavenly. We sunned, we played games together, we relaxed. We enjoyed being... a family. I love those boys. Now, you know it would not be a true vacation experience without at least a few funny incidents courtesy of our children... well, and us maybe. So here we go...
1. When you are at home and your two year old says, "Mama, I go pee-pee outside." You say, "Ok, let 'er rip" When you are at a beach condo that is on the third floor, please note... "outside" to that two year old is the balcony, and he will indeed still "let 'er rip". Sorry neighbors below.
2. The one lone drunkard woman we saw upon arrival, my child felt the need to note her presence... Every time we saw her. "Psst... Mom, there is that lady who was drunk!" Only know this, 8 year old boys have no ability to whisper. At all.
3. Six year olds have NO fear of using the "F" word on the beach. "Hey mom! Look at the lady, she is FAT! Really Fat!" (what f word did you think I meant? Gutter minds!) Oh, and yanking up that same six year old and whispering fiercely in his ear to hush, that may result in him pulling back and looking at you like you are nuts and saying, "Hey, stop getting your breath in my ears! I just was talking bout that fat lady over there." And yes, the finger will be pointing directly to the intended target. (ps six year olds also hate sitting in a sandy time out.)
4. Grilling seems like alot better idea before you realize you have to haul charcoal, meat, utensils and other necessities down to the grilling area. Saint Micah did it all.
5. If your 2 year old is cute, he can totally get away with peeing in the grass by the pool.
6. It is not wise to have your small children watch "Shark Week" before a trip to the beach. It is even more cruel to tell the 2 year old, "See the sharks, they are going to bite your toes." I shant share which parent did that, but suffice to say, this will not get him the sainthood title of #4.
7. My poor Micah. He does not know how many years of sunning my skin I have put in. I mean, we are talking baking on a black tar roof, using crisco at my friend Melanie's pool throughout middle school, and countless hours floating in pools. You can't get to this level of leathery skin overnight. Micah assumed he could handle the rays with the no SPF dark tanning oil I use. Alas, he turned into quite the lobster by day two. It left me to have to man the boys at peak tan times, which I gladly did. I will surely look like a peach pit by age 40.
8. Beach TV. Convincing your spouse to watch back episodes of LA Ink so that he will fully grasp the brevity of the season premiere will not be appreciated by aforementioned spouse, even if he does appreciate the artistic ability of said tatooers.
9. It is totally immature to engage your children in diving for a torpedo at the bottom of the 8ft deep pool simply because some snotty 13 year old girl informed them they could not and should not do so. In fact you should just ignore her snotty talk, and the bossy orders she issues to your children and her constant stealing of said torpedo. (as apparently her own mother can.)Please note, cheering them on as they retrieve it effortlessly, that is immature too. Well, hello. My name is Jude and I am an immature beach mother. Sorry.
So there you have it.
I did affirm the following resume worthy talents for the career path mentioned above. I am an excellent pool lounger, and can log several hours before needing a break. I love crab cakes, fruity drinks and sand between my toes. I can pack a cooler with enough juice boxes and snacks to make it through lunch time, and can safely assess the juice box to full bladder ratio time of small children. All of these and more qualify me for full time employment as a Professional Vacationer. Salary requirements are negotiable.
Some photos. I know there is a lack of cool beach shots. I looked at my camera, my lovely expensive camera, and could not do it. I knew I would be the moron who drops it in the sand, or lets a wave wash it out to sea. Camera wimp, that is me.