Wednesday, September 25, 2013

I'm selling my buttocks...

That title may sound like a think a lot of my own booty.
However, it is not appearances that I am speaking about, rather ability.

You see, I apparently have a magic butt.

The moment, yes, the very moment my derriere hovers near the seat of the commode,
my children magically appear.

I have stopped summoning them via normal methods.
Why call for them?
I can simply go to the bathroom
and before you can say, "Thomas Crapper"... there are my beloved offspring.

In this crooked old house we live in, there is but one bathroom for all of us.
One potty.
Four boys.
One girl.

Can you see what I am up against?!?!

I admit, I routinely covet when people have multiple toilets.
When my friend bought a new house this spring, I stopped counting at three.
I asked her "just how many toilets are in this house?"
"Um... five." She replied sheepishly. "But one doesn't work right now!"
"Five?" I practically fell over. "I don't know if we can even be friends anymore, I
am coveting so much!" I moaned.

I mean, with five toilets... we could each have our own!
Can you imagine, the glorious luxury of you very own commode?
Well I can't.

Back to the sale of my gluts. I began to realize that I shouldn't keep this amazing new discovery to myself.
I mean, the general masses might just want need what I can offer.
So, I am thinking of testing the marketability of my magical rumpus... as a tracking device.
Lost kid? Hand me that 32oz slushy, and they will be home before dusk.
Need to call a family meeting? Give me a hot tea and 20 minutes, they will all be assembled.
Gramps wandered off? Hand over the venti size cappuccino. He'll be here for bedtime.
Maybe the NSA would even be interested?

So, lest you think I wrote all this because I love my own tush, I don't.
It's no longer the rump of my youth, and if I wore those track suits with labels across the booty,
mine would read "Pinot" and "Grigio". But, um I would never wear those, because they should
technically be illegal. Like skinny jeans for men. I digress. Sorry.

Send your patent lawyers my way asap, and don't judge me too harshly... 
I am just a mom looking for a way to market her (apparently) best skill set.


  1. Oh my gosh mine is magic too!hahahahaha! I laugh bc I don't want to cry.

  2. I sad when I read this post, i thought this would stop eventually but from reading this post and know that you have at least 2 boys who are older than mine...I guess it never stops.

    P.S. We only have 1 bathroom as well..and I covert those with more than one as just means that every time you have company your bathroom MUST be clean :(

  3. Hey Jude! Michelle Johnson here! Hope you remember me. Here I am commenting on your "booty" blog post. Hahaha! Mine is magical as well, and we only have one bathroom. Like Brown English Muffin said, it always has to be clean for company. UGH!

  4. Michelle!! How are you? Can you e-mail me? I would love to hear from you and catch up!

  5. Hey Jude! I'm doing well! I do not have your email address. I can try to get it from someone.I'd love to catch up!