Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Lessons from the Road...

So last week Alden and I made the long and bittersweet trip home to the B-Lo for my grandmother's memorial service and burial. It was already an emotional Sunday as one of my best friends, Heather, and her husband were leaving that same day to go meet their daughter and have their court date and adoption in Africa. Hellos and goodbyes... and lots of tears from me, of course. Here are some lessons I learned from the road...

1. Packing a car for just me and Alden to go away for a week was so easy. It also left plenty of room to bring back plunder from Grove City. (oh yes, we stopped for two hours there on the way home. Go team MOM driving!)

2. Driving five straight hours with a 3yr old is nothing when that child loves Toy Story and you have a DVD player. We never used to have one, and the new little Suburban does. I never knew what I was missing...

3. I think being able to drive 80 mph (70 if you are Micah reading this) and hand a child snacks, toys, and beverages, should qualify you for a special license. We did pull over for a potty break once. I was not even attempting that one.

4. I spilled not one, but two of my own drinks in the car on the way up to NY. When I was forced to stop at a sudden red light in Pennsylvania after gassing up (the car, I was gassing up the car for all you lame-joke lovers) and realized there were NO OTHER CARS even near the light, I screamed, "I hate you Pennsylvania and your stupid roads!" We had to pull over to wipe everything down. I cannot drive in a sticky car and you KNOW one of my readily accessible items was Clorox wipes.

5. My phone even took a swim in the Penn DOT coke spill, but so far seems ok. Poor Alden asked, "Why we hate Pennsuvanaya?" I was ashamed, so I calmly explained that we just didn't care for the Penn DOT system of closed lanes for pretend roadwork, potholes and now apparently, foolish stoplights. I realize number five should be part of number four since it is the same story, but I was embarrassed that me spilling a drink had evolved into a whole paragraph. I will say, my change purse got wet too, and I spitefully threw coke ridden coins in every toll booth for the remainder of my trip.

6. People who speed up and slow down are the cause of 95% of road rage incidents involving weapons. Ok. I made that up, but it is the cause of my road rage where I would like a weapon... Why? Why little mini van driving dad are you tailing me like I am an old woman out for a Sunday drive going 35mph? Ok, I fall for it once. I get over. You pass, get in front of me, and then... slow down by 7 mph? HUH?!?! Then, I fall for it again... I know. I should have recognized the sign that **mini van dad's inability to pick a man friendly family vehicle would also indicate his inability to drive ... but I didn't. The third time? Oh no buster. I am going 80mph (again 70 if you are Micah reading this) and there is no way you and your Aerostar crew are taking down me, Alden and the Toy Story gang again.

7. I remain steadfast in my hatred of all public restrooms. My newest loathing? Why are there not toilets that a little boy can reach standing up? I am NOT sitting my Alden's sweet cheeks on that seat just for pee, and despite my best efforts, Alden decided peeing whilst mommy holds him in the air and um, helps him aim, is less than desirable for stimulating any desire to actually urinate. So... sorry Beckley, West Virginia. We totally peed next to our car in the parking lot.

8. One meal a month at McDonalds is more than enough for me.

9. My hotel slid a "quick and easy" checkout paper under my door... AT FOUR AM! Now, I was already toting Micah's big pocketknife, and let me tell you, the concierge who made this decision about lost a finger. We didn't receive this same "service" on the return trip... go figure?!?!

10. Singing When Doves Cry while driving around town always makes me feel a little lame. Belting it out at 80 mph (uh, Micah... you know the drill) while Alden sleeps... empowering. Thank you XM radio and 80s on 8.

So there you have it. Always remember your pocket lysol and enjoy your next road trip...
** Please note, I was using sarcasm with the mini van dad line. I do not want mean looks, e-mails, or to be run down in the church parking lot. I was kidding. It was a little joke; tiny, teeny,itsy bitsy.


  1. TOO funny! I'm glad you specified it was an Aerostar. Sean totally does the annoying passing thing. Usually, though, he's content to sit in the right lane behind the 15 big rigs going 15 mph under. It makes for fun roadtrips. :)

  2. I nkow it might be rude for other having to use the facilities but have you ever thought about having him STAND on the toilet seat and peeing...or is the angle too steep?

    I've had my little girl stand once when I just couldn't hover her, and she did some kind of squat and it worked out.

    I know, I know, way tooo much information!!! LOL It was just on my mind is all.

  3. HI-larious! I laughed out loud at the man mini-van joke ;)

    Can we please picture Sam or Micah driving the Aerostar? Sam would try and put a gun rack on it just to make a point. Now I'm going to get the hate mail...