Friday, September 10, 2010

Don't Be a Pretend Parent...

As a preface to the following post...

See the boys. See the boys on the Cupboard. Smile climbing boys.

See Lincoln. See Lincoln perched atop my mom's garage roof. Danger Lincoln! Say cheese before you fall though.

See my family. See them cheer Lincoln on. We all ♥ Danger apparently.

Pretend Parenting.
Does anyone else out there know what I am talking about?
oh, well, um... let me enlighten you.

Here is the scene. Alden and I are in the grocery store. I am sporting some sweet grey athletic shorts and a tie dye that is so old I am surprised the fabric is not thread bare. I could totally be nominated for that show "What Not To Wear" in a get up like this. I am hoping my love of cute shoes will prevent any of my friends from ever ratting me out to Stacey and Clinton, because honestly... I would never stand there and let them throw out my tie dye. Would. Not. Happen.
Anyhoo... you get the point. We are in typical "run to the store" mode and attire. Whilst finishing our tour through the produce section I hear it. As I am reaching into the free cookie bin to get Alden what is surely the highlight of the trip for him, I hear Fakey Mom. She spouts off the following, in a tone so syrupy sweet I think they will have to call for aisle clean up behind her, "Oh no sweet pie. Let's try some of this healthy turkey before we get our cookie." (Please note, all of Fakey Mom's words will now be in purple. Why? Because I find purple the most annoying of colors, so... well, you connect the dots.) This was basically said to note that Alden and I took one look at the little chunks of slimey turkey and laughed. "As if!" We headed straight for the cookies. Who wants to eat toothpicked hunks of meat out of a plastic dome?

As Fakey Mom then proclaimed, "Oh, good boy! We should always have something healthy first shouldn't we?" I realized... Fakey Mom was saying this for me. Apparently so that I would repent of my sugar cookie ways, drop to my knees and bask in the light of her perfect parenting.

You all know me.
That was not happening.
What did happen? I circled back and handed Alden the cupcake sample to boot! Ha! Take that Fakey Mom!!

However, a Fakey Mom, and one so appropriately dressed in pretend workout clothes, is not dissuaded by one lone loser mom's ignoring of her show-offy ways. This is a woman who has entered the store with one goal... to let all of us know she is a better parent. Gag.

I tried to get away from her. I knew she would never be heading down the beer aisle, at least not the domestic beer side anyway. Alas, I was thwarted and we began a cat and mouse game of me going up, and her coming down, every stinking aisle. I was subjected to the following:

"Oh no, honey. Mommy didn't bring you any sugary snacks. Here have some organic tree bark." Said as I handed Alden his graham bunny snacks. (see previous post, I was duped into buying them and by george we are going to eat them!)

"Oooooh, look sweetie. Butternut Squash and Kale Flake soup, your favorite!" Said as her child looked longingly at Alden chomping the tails of little graham bunny butts. Sorry kid, apparently you like squashy soups better!

"Ok, what else do we need? Should we get some all natural prune juice? It is soooo good for you!" Squash boy points at the juice boxes, which I happen to be loading into the bottom of my cart. "Oh no baby, that is not even real juice. That is not good for you!" There was so much I wanted to say, but alas... I choose maturity, and loaded up 5 extra boxes under the cart to bring the total to 10. Spiteful shopping? Yes, but it was on sale, so it was a cheap thrill.

The final straw came as Fakey Mom and her poor squash boy strolled the aisles saying loudly, "Honey? Where are you? Honey? Can we find the honey, honey? hahahahaha" Kill me now! I think even Alden rolled his eyes at this point. Poor Squash boy, as we passed him he looked less than thrilled to be on the ever manly and exciting "hunt" for honey. I tossed a bag of mini marshmallows in the cart and said, "Look Alden! Lunch!"

Then I decided to forsake my OCD aisle order protocol and headed straight for the dairy section. I could take no more, and knew my sarcasm would get the better of me if I stayed.

To all the Moms out there, please... don't be a pretend parent. Saying things not to truly teach your child, but to let others know what you are doing, and how great you are for doing it. Speaking in that fake sweet, and oh so loud enough for everyone else to hear it tone, and flaunting your (perceived) superior ways.

I feel like I should be adding a homemade video of me singing the following to the tune of Eminem's "The Real Slim Shady":

Will all the real Moms, please stand up, please stand up...
*If you've ever bribed your kid with a lollipop, please stand up, please stand up.
*If you've ever left the house with unshaved legs, please stand up, please stand up.
*If you've ever given your kid benadryl on a road trip, please stand up, please stand up.
*If you've ever let your kids watch a little TV so you could watch Project Runway on the computer and sneak a rice krispy treat while hiding in the office, please stand up, please stand up.

I lost you on that last one didn't I? Durn...

Well, in closing here is another fine family photo for our albums...


  1. you did NOT lose me on that last one! LOL! I do that ALL the time! This whole post just cracks me up. I know exactly what your talking about. huge eye roll! it might even be worse out here with all the environmentally crazy liberals. We go to the park and all the hippie kids are eating organic squash and drinking out of BPH-or whatever that is- free water bottles and eating out of perfectly prepared plastic Bento boxes and me and my kids show up with McDonalds happy meals and coke. Boy do I ever get the "look".


    I know the type. Maybe you should've waited til her kid swallowed the turkey to say, "Oh my word, that has been sitting out since we were here yesterday!"

    Or maybe to Alden, "We don't eat grocery store samples. People who don't wash their hands after pooping reach into those communal domes."

    I am all about the organic food if it's cheap and tastes good. Otherwise, I'm with Corey and the happy meals.

    GREAT POST!! I'm totally standing up with you on all points.


  3. I SOOOO wish I lived near you and/or your commenters! I just KNOW we'd be friends! Not to sound stalkerish or anything... too late? Sorry...
    Anyhow, I'm SO with you on the whole fake mommy thing - I'll bet, though, if you weren't distracting her son with your real life, he'd be screaming for a cookie and he'd be GETTING a cookie - she's not fooling anyone!

  4. Jellybean-
    To begin with Lincoln HAD to climb on the roof to retrieve ammunition so we could continue firing foam rockets and nerf darts at one another without the appropriate eye protection. No fake "good parenting" here.
    Secondly... I cannot believe you did not warn "fakey Mom" about bacteria and honey??

    Love you-
    Egg Salad

  5. only concern is that you find purple to be the most annoying color.
    I'm not too worried because I think your blog title is still the best ever.
    PJ's ARE clothes :)

  6. Anonymous7:14 PM

    OMGOSH!!! so forgot how much i enjoyed your blog!!!! been ignoring blogland over the summer, this post!!! and so know that parent...UGH!!!

  7. Okay - the Eminem song has me cracking up! And no, the last one would just be substituting peanut m&ms for the rkt :)
    I live in the midst of perfect parenting land....didn't you know their children are perfect too? wink wink.

  8. We went to the Bronx Zoo yesterday for a play date and while waiting on the one hay ride my little one found a stick and proceeded to sit in the dirt and dig with her stick.

    My husband poked me in the side and told me to tell her to get up out of the dirt and throw the stick away.

    I told him if that's what he wanted her to do then he should tell her.

    He gave me a scathing look, quietened up, and let her continue to be a child playing with her stick in the dirt and getting her knees all muddy!!!!

    But my child does love spinach pie and spinach omlettes!! LOL

  9. LOL!!! LOVE this post.