Wednesday, March 01, 2006

OK, so I said I wouldn't actually blog....

I was only going to use this blog for my page LO's but I am posting this story because I decide to share this little peek into my daily grind. CAUTION, this is not for the faint of heart....(LOL!!!!) These are e-mails that I sent to my DH at work on Valentine's Day and the day after as well. Maybe I should scrapbook them, but whatever would I use for "embellishments"????? See you all later, and perhaps I will use this as a forum for my oh so noteworthy days... we'll see. :)

E-mail #1

Ah, Valentine’s Day… a day of romance, love, and fishing turds out of the tub. Oh yes, that is how your already queasy wife got to welcome in this day of sweet words, kisses, and loving cards. YOUR, yes, I said it, YOUR son Emerson delivered that special Valentine Gift to me right after you left. Now, here is where an already gross story takes on even more disgusting proportions than I ever imagined. I fish the lovely little “brownies” out, with toilet paper of course, only, they are apparently not so little because when I go to flush them, lo and behold… the toilet starts to overflow. Joy! So, I look around and there is Em, cold, crying and looking like he may have more deliveries… Lincoln, still naked and commenting on our every move, offering various suggestions, and the toilet, threatening to overflow, it is then I realize the potential disaster. I am forced to take drastic measures… the plunger is on the basement steps… it is too far away… it is then I must sacrifice any amount of pride or femininity, and take the plunge, literally. I stick my hand in a place no hand should ever go, and hear the glorious sound of flushing resume. Our boys are proud, the floor is dry, and I am sick to my stomach and wonder… “will I ever be able to eat “finger” food again??” The Clorox wipes are empty, the Lysol is too, and your Valentine will try and salvage some amount of dignity. This is what its like in the trenches… there is no rest, not even for Cupid’s Day. I love you.


I have come to realize that defecation, aka “turds” has become a part of my everyday life, however, the fact that I have had two turd mishaps two days in a row, is a little concerning. I fear I may have lost my zeal for the fight to have clean buttocks. ( For my children that is, how gross to loose that zeal for ones own self. ) As anyone who has changed a stinky diaper knows, there are two kinds of treasures you find. The first, are loose little pellets, you must be very careful with these as they can roll away from the diaper very quickly. The second would be, how shall we say it… “clingy”. You know what I am talking about, it is clearly a four wipe job, and it isn’t going anywhere without a little effort. Imagine my surprise when I pulled off the offending diaper, thinking I had a cling-on, only to discover, I had set loose the pellets. Oh yes… they were many in number, and fell in various spots around me; the floor, my pajama pants, within reach of the pooper himself. How could I be so easily deceived… that sneaky child had done a combo-turd, and clearly I had been bested. Unlike yesterday’s defeat of dignity, I had plenty of wipes, and there was no actual contact with my skin, at any time. (phew!) I have once again thoroughly sanitized my home, myself and my children. All buttocks are clean, for now, and I feel I will be better prepared should the sneaky child strike again, but we can’t be sure. I may need to seek solace in a late night grocery store run. Please, do not even mention the words “home” and “school” in the same sentence for at least a few days.
Your loving wife,


  1. :) I love it!!

    I love you ALL! I am so glad our paths crossed all those years ago. I honestly can't imagine my life without you in it.

    Sniffy and sentimental(even over a turd story),

  2. I have not laughed that hard in days! Thank you! Thank you ! Thank you!

    and you are my hero :) not sure I could have done that...but they say in extreme circumstances adrenaline takes the lady who lifted the bus off of her child (if that isn't an urban legend)

    anyway YAY YOU!!